


To Be With You

by TheLoneMeme



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Eventual Smut, M/M, but not yet bbs, not yet, sad boys are sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 04:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10209830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLoneMeme/pseuds/TheLoneMeme
Summary: Magnus sat on the edge of his bed, replaying the conversation he had had with Alec earlier. Damn his Alexander to hell. And himself. And everything else, for that matter. He hadn’t meant to make him leave. He just needed space, and here he was, sitting on his bed and waiting for Alec to come back to a place he prayed he considered home.Just a fic about these two boys, which I have adopted.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so please don't judge this too hard? I always write drunk, but am lazy about editing. So please feel free to say 'dude wft is your punctuation?' in the comments. Like I know it's bad but also I appreciate comments like nothing else.

Alec was never good with relationships. Sure, he could handle Izzy and Jace, could navigate their intricacies and sensitivities. But he had grown up with them, fought with them, known them his entire life. They shared a mother, and all had the same thick skin. Magnus was much, much more complicated and new. And on that, he blamed the fact that he was standing in Magnus’s bedroom, watching tears spill down his boyfriend's cheeks. Alec had no idea why, his mind reeling and racing as he searched for what he had said, what he had done, to upset the man he loved. 

“Magnus, please…” Alec tried, reaching out a hand. But Magnus recoiled, looking like he had been burned. Alec felt a piece of himself shatter. 

“I need to be alone, Alexander. You should leave.” Magnus was facing away from him, but his voice was shaking.

Alec bit his cheek to keep from saying something stupid like ‘I love you’, or ‘please don’t make me leave you’. He balled his hands into fists to keep from reaching out again, feeling sick at the thought that Magnus may never want him to touch him again. 

“Just....Just call me when you want to see me again, then.” Alec said, voice thick and limbs numb as he turned for the door, leaving Magnus’s apartment and turning towards the institute. He knew he couldn’t talk about this, would never make sense of this well enough for Izzy or Jace to help him find what he had said that had hurt Magnus so much that he had refused to let his partner touch him. 

By the time he burst through the door, face red and walking fast, Jace was waiting.

“Dude,” Jace Exclaimed as Alec pushed past him. “Don’t want my help, fine. But I can feel that you’re upset, man. We’re parabatai, Alec.” 

“No shit, Jace. I don’t want to talk about this.” Alec replied, heading straight for his room. He was seething with anger. Towards himself, but still. Anger made him lash out, and he had hurt enough people for one day. 

Jace grabbed his arm, yanking hard enough that Alec stumbled backwards. He felt Jace push him around, and arms wrapped around his shoulders. Jace, in his idiocy, knew Alec better than he should have. Pressing his face to Jace’s shoulder, Alec hugged him back. 

“I know it’s Magnus, Alec. And whatever it is, I’m not giving you advice. God knows I’m underqualified. But Magnus loves you, bro. He stopped your wedding. Whatever you did, fix it.” Jace thwacked him on the back, and then stepped back.

Alec rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he knew the right thing to say. He watched Jace back away, shrugging and giving him a ‘what can you do?’ look. Alec just smiled, returning to his forceful march to his room as he watch his parabatai retreat towards Clary. 

 

*****

 

Magnus sat on the edge of his bed, replaying the conversation he had had with Alec earlier. Damn his Alexander to hell. And himself. And everything else, for that matter. He hadn’t meant to make him leave. He just needed space, and here he was, sitting on his bed and waiting for Alec to come back to a place he prayed he considered home. 

 

*****

 

“You were the one who asked me over, Magnus. I didn’t think it would be for anything other than fucking. Not with how  _ close _ we’ve been lately.” Alec had said, looking far too casual as he leaned against the kitchen counter, venom dripping from his voice. 

“Well, Alexander, it’s quite possible that we’ve been so  _ close _ lately because of how many late nights you’ve had. Maybe I wanted to see you, maybe I wanted to feel you fall asleep beside me. Maybe I wanted to be intimate with my boyfriend without fucking.” Magnus had quipped, hand on his hip, the other gesturing by his side, trying to illustrate his exasperation. 

“Yeah, because we’ve always been so fuckign intimate, Magnus. Because you’re so great in bed. Because you know exactly what you’re doing. And it’s clear that you can’t stand that I don’t. But sure, Mags,” The nickname felt more like a jab than a sign of affection. “Let’s be ‘intimate’, so you don’t have to leave the bed unsatisfied, and I don’t have to feel like an idiot because you don’t want to admit that maybe, just maybe, I’m not who you wanted in the first place.”

“You think I don’t you want you?” Magnus stared at him. His chest felt concave. He wanted so terribly to reach out, to touch the heaving chest of his lover, to still him in his insecurity. But he was also angry. Being accused of wanting someone, anyone, else while he was with Alec brought his blood to a boil. That Alec had ever felt unwanted or unworthy is Magnus’s bed was unthinkable.

“I think that when you reach for me, Magnus, sometimes you’re really reaching for someone else and you just don’t want to admit it.”

Magnus closed his eyes. He could feel the tears coming. He knew the implications of that statement. He began thinking back. Had he called for someone else in the middle of the night? He had gasped someone else's name into Alec’s mouth as he came? Tears began to fall down his cheeks, damn them. 

“Why would you? Alec, I never...you’re all I desire.” Magnus said, tears dripping from his chin.

“For now.” Alec replied, cold. His body was rigid, arms crossed over his chest. He refused to meet Magnus’s eyes. 

Magnus gasped, tears then falling in earnest. He rushed into the bedroom, wanted out and away from the fight. He could feel that Alec was confused. Anger, Magnus knew, was a part of Alec’s upbringing. Cruelty was something he was familiar with, and something to be forgiven easily, as soon as the fight was over. Magnus knew that. But his words stung, no matter their lack of substance. 

Alec followed him. “Magnus, please…” He pleaded, reaching out. Magnus pulled away, feeling sick with guilt and hurt. 

“I need to be alone, Alexander. You should leave.” He said. He wanted to pull Alec to his chest. Wanted to curl up in his ribcage and sleep for millennia. But he was hurt. And the guilt of thinking Alec had ever once felt that Magnus hadn’t wanted  _ him,  _ all of him, made him feel as though he might be sick. He heard the door slam, and fell to the bed. 

 

*****

 

Alec found himself standing outside of Magnus’s apartment building. He felt sick, the image of Magnus in tears, looking hurt and somehow guilty left him in pieces. He had tried to push through, train until his body was too tired for guilt, but he just felt worse, his body aching as he tried to push past his hurt. Before he lost his nerve, he charged into the building. 

 

*****

 

Magnus felt the wards surrounding his apartment shift as Alec walked in. He shook his head at the adaptions he had made to allow Alec in. He had opened his home, his sanctuary, even allowed Alec access without restraint, without restriction. 

He hadn't moved from the foot of the bed when Alec walked in, looking frantic. The second he saw Magnus, and stilled, registering that his warlock was sitting exactly where he had left him hours before. 

He hit the ground in front of Magnus, knees snapping painfully to the ground. He hadn’t touched Magnus, looking sheepish and guilt-ridden. He looked reverent, almost, with his head bent forward and his hands folded in his lap. Without thinking, Magnus reached out and ran a hand through his hair, feeling Alec’s body sag in relief under his touch. Alec lifted his head, and his hazel eyes looked tired.

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. I didn’t want to hurt you. My insecurity should never make you feel unwanted, or like you did something wrong.” He said, pressing his cheek to Magnus’s touch. 

“My darling Alexander. I’m so sorry, and you are absolutely forgiven. But we need to discuss what that was about.” Magnus felt sick, still. He wanted nothing more than to leave their argument behind, to never acknowledge it again. But he couldn’t go near Alec again without knowing where they stood, what Alec felt. 

Alec flushed bright red, shaking his head gently. 

“I…” a long pause, “the nights that I don’t get you off. I know you say, over and over again, that you getting to make me come, that you getting to get me off, is more than enough, but I just....Sometimes, it’s okay. Other times, it feels like you know I couldn’t get you off, so you don’t even bother letting me make you feel good.” 

Magnus broke. He slid from the bed and onto the floor with Alec. 

“Alexander, if I had thought for a moment that you had felt that way, I would have never denied you. I would have never made you feel as though you were not the most satisfying lover I have had. I want  _ you _ , my love. Your heart, mind, and soul. Your body is just a benefit it getting to understand who you are. Yes, I love to touch you, to feel you come undone under my hands. But I also love just touching you. Talking with you over dinner. You allowing yourself to fall asleep on my chest. I want to sleep with you. I need to be with you, to know you, to be your partner, not just an excellent fuck.” Magnus said, one hand sliding along the shadowhunter’s ribcage, the other still tangled in his hair. Alec leaned in, resting his head on Magnus’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry. I want all of that. I want that with you. All of it.” Alec replied, voice muffled. He swallowed hard, and continued. “Can we go to bed?”

“Love, I can’t think of anything I could want more.”


End file.
